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Off with my head!

Posted by carla Andrews on Sunday, October 11, 2015 Under: Carla's Sugar Free Transformation
My journey into improved physical health has been amazing. Having being a size 24 at the start of the year to now being a size 14 all my dreams have come true. The result is a confident, sexy lady who can wear almost anything. Shopping is a breeze, no more 'fat' shops for me. The clothes I want to wear, I can. My body matches, for the first time in 20 years how I see myself. Better still my fitness / strength is amazing. My recent 'Good Morning Britian' #ToughMums challenge on the Tough Mudder course proved that. It was the most fun I had had in ages. Mentally challenging more than anything, several times I panicked, but I made it through ice water, mud and 30ft drops. So my journey over the past 10 months has been life transforming.

However, I am struggling more now than at any other point. It's funny, when one of my fellow sugar free ladies admitted to hiding secret stashes of empty food wrappers - I couldn't comprehend this. Why would you hide what you have just eaten. I had always eaten what I had liked with no shame. Now this is where I have to hold my hands up, I now understand. The first time I popped into the supermarket to pick up some granola bars. I ate one in the shop as I was hungry, then I ate another as I walked round. By the time I paid there was one left. I couldn't take home one, my boys would know. So, I sat in my car, feeling sick from the previous three and ate the fourth. The evidence was gone. At 28g of sugar and 330 calories each these were definitely not on my healthy food list. But, you know what - It's a one off, I work hard, I am always in exercising, it's okay. I'll burn it off. I won't complete my food diary, I am too scared to see the days totals but tomorrow is a new day. 

My boys started working in the fast food industry several months back. One son would bring home pizza, and the other would bring home sausage / pie and chips. I'll have just one slice, maybe two. Sometimes, I'd have the strength to say no. But you know what other fit people can eat pizza, maybe I can too. I am still doing lots of exercise after all. Won't add it in the diary. 

Stress, now as the lovely Dr Pam Peeke informed me stressed spelt backwards is desserts! I think I can safely say the last couple of months have been stressful for me. I have found out some dirty hidden secrets that my family tried to hide. I rid myself of many toxic people several months back, you know the ones - the ones that only bring the negative. I wanted to be strong enough at the time to eradicate the family that hurt me, but with only having a few members it was hard. I walked away from my mum and her family as a teenager, all that was left was my dads side. The two heart beats of my life were my dads parents who left this earth long ago, but remain heavily in my heart every day. My every smile has a trace of their spirit in me. I have tried to show my own boys the happiness my nan and granddad had shown me. Not in material things but in creating memories. If only my whole family could have been like them, then maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone at times. Anyway, those family members that remained because we shared a name have gone. Although stressful, it wasn't painful, it was a job that needed to be done and in all honesty was long over due. So, now I am free of disappointment, judgement, let down and negativity. But yes, I did eat crap. Whilst my time was torn between the normal and dealing with this I reverted back to take-aways, and the nights my head was still in a spin - I ate chocolate by the bucket load. It was nice, and it was okay because I could run it off. 

Every week I write a 'Mind, Mouth, Muscle' update to Dr Peeke. My last entry to her said my food had not been angelic. Praying she would read and let it go, she didn't. She emailed me back and asked me to explain what I meant by not angelic. So, I have spent the last 24 hours reflecting before I answer. In all fairness, I don't need to reflect. I know, and I know damn well. I am in denial. I am fighting my head constantly. I love my body and couldn't be happier, but my head seems to be the trouble. It has me skipping the gym and giving up half way through runs because I am just not feeling it today. It has me eating without stopping, it is making excuses for me to eat crap, "I'll eat better tomorrow". Tomorrow, never comes. For months now I have had bad days, but the days haven't be separated by hours in the last couple of weeks. Everyday my head is making excuses. Dr P would call the the BMW. Bitching, Moaning and Whining and yes I have just graduated with a doctorate. I can't tell her, how do I put that into words. I don't want to disappoint her, I don't want to admit my failings. I feel alone, I hurt and I want to chop off my head (not literally), but I want this body and I want my fitness and can't afford to go backwards, but at this moment I need to be shielded from the mess that is my head. Shopping helps but is a pleasant distraction that I cannot afford. I have dabbled with new dresses, shoes and a killer coat, and yes this makes me feel great but my head is still screaming 'Feed Me'. My heart is still screaming 'Love me'. 

My weight in the last month or so has increased by about 5lbs. If I carry on I would be back to a 24 within 2 years. I don't want that, I want to fight this battle. I know it is a war that will last years but as Dr Peeke said to me once, "I am a warrior". 

I know the answers I seek, the answers are actions so here is my to do list: 
  • Plan food for week (no excuses to pick)
  • Email Dr Peeke (confession time)
  • Plan exercise for the week with a friend (no skipping)
  • Meditate (To get my head in order)
  • Read (Me time)
  • Restart food diary (log in on my fitness pal).

In : Carla's Sugar Free Transformation 

Tags: diet  sugar free  tough mum  dr peeke  good morning britain